Slapping Myself Awake

Lately I've been freaking out internally and sometimes externally as well. I started this blog almost three months ago in order to gather my thoughts and to hopefully motivate myself to start writing again. So far, it's been a no go. I have been doing better then I was a year ago where I couldn't even get a basic idea about anything. Now I'm slowly, very slowly trudging forth in some unmarked path that I have no idea where it'll take me, but at least I'm not standing still anymore.

In two months I'm going to be 21. Less then two months really, about 52 days. My 17 year old self is screaming at me asking me why we haven't graduated college yet or why haven't we traveled or heck, why haven't we written one book? Even if it was a complete mess.

Yeah, my 17 year old self had a fondness for cuss words. Now I try to stray away from them, but I can't help but let it get to me. I did have all these plans especially about school. I was never serious about it, but I was the kid who got good grades and had a steady 3.2 GPA. I just never saw the point until I graduated high school and knew that I needed some type of degree so I wouldn't be stuck with a theme park job like everyone else I knew.

Of course here we are four years later with a theme park job and kicking myself for missing so many opportunities that were literally slapping me in the face. Now I'm pushing myself to go back to college after nearly two years without it. Sounds absolutely terrifying, but I know it's going to pay off in the long run.

I know I want to work in a museum or a library. Those are the two things that I'm most sure off. I know I want to study Humanities/History. I know I want to write a book. I don't need to share it with the rest of the world, but it's something I've been wanting to do since I was 11 years old and first figured out that I love writing stories.

Come January, I'm going to head straight towards the campus and start my classes and I'm going to work my butt off. I keep imagining this life for myself and I'm not doing anything about it.

Besides school, there's the way I'm viewing myself both physically and mentally. It isn't healthy at all. I've never been confident in myself at all, and there was a time a couple years ago where it got really bad. I managed to pull through with no ones help but my own. Nobody really understood at the time what I was going through. Everyone could see it, but it was easier for everyone to look away and I don't blame them. Lately, I'm starting to realize that the voices that were always getting my down back then are starting to get louder and louder. Back then I used to drown them out with music and a blade. I've realized that I can't do that again.

So it starts today, changing my thoughts. I realize that I'm probably going to crash and burn a few times and want nothing more than to give up. Hopefully I don't.

Of Love and Other Things

I'm a sucker when it comes to a good romance book. Usually I'm going up and down the isles in barnes and nobles just plucking books of the shelves and reading their backs to find out more about them. Usually I never go looking for a book in particular, unless I keep hearing about it. There are two types of love stories that I'm addicted to. The first being about two people coming together and just traveling the world and falling in love with the adventure and finally each other. There's just something so magical about it in my opinion. I love reading about these characters just finding themselves and experiencing life. I'm usually not one to read a story without some type of fantasy in it, but there are those books that sneak their way into my heart and stay there forever.

On my journey to the bookstore I picked up two books. The first was Just One Day by Gayle Forman. I found out about this book a long time ago, but never gave it any real thought. Today I just happened to see it on the bookshelf. I finished it in five hours. I could not put it down. I kept grinning like an idiot and fell completely in love with this story. The second book I got was Bloodlines by Richelle Mead. I've read her Vampire Academy series and fell completely in love with Rose. When I found out she had started on another series in the same world, I flipped. I've known about it for a long time now, but I never really read it because I knew it wasn't the right time. Now I'm looking forward to reading it.

So, I've come up with this great plot and characters for a magical realism story. Like I have everything I could possibly need to just start writing and get a couple couple paragraphs in, but I haven't started writing. I'm so completely frustrated with myself. On one hand, I do want to write this story about magical things with this amazing world that's almost like a complete fairy tale, but then deep down I want to write something completely badass. I have this idea for this girl who's just completely sure of herself. Like the kind of girl who walks like she owns the world underneath her feet and she knows it.

Part of my wants this beautiful and magical world while this other part of me wants the darkness and violence and drama. (I always say that I'm a Hufflepuff on the outside, but a complete Slytherin on the inside) I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point at all, but I know I have to do something.

While I was also getting myself lost in the bookstore, all I kept thinking about was why I wasn't working in one? I want to be a Librarian, it would only make sense to start somewhere. It's what I want to go back to school and study. I really want to work in a bookstore and the only ones close to me are Barnes and Nobles and Books-A-Million. I like both store just fine, but they have this thing where apparently you have to know alot about the nook and getting people to buy their membership. I don't mind the nook and I wouldn't mind selling it, but why memberships? Why cant bookstores just be about books and not memberships and meeting certain numbers.