Slapping Myself Awake

Lately I've been freaking out internally and sometimes externally as well. I started this blog almost three months ago in order to gather my thoughts and to hopefully motivate myself to start writing again. So far, it's been a no go. I have been doing better then I was a year ago where I couldn't even get a basic idea about anything. Now I'm slowly, very slowly trudging forth in some unmarked path that I have no idea where it'll take me, but at least I'm not standing still anymore.

In two months I'm going to be 21. Less then two months really, about 52 days. My 17 year old self is screaming at me asking me why we haven't graduated college yet or why haven't we traveled or heck, why haven't we written one book? Even if it was a complete mess.

Yeah, my 17 year old self had a fondness for cuss words. Now I try to stray away from them, but I can't help but let it get to me. I did have all these plans especially about school. I was never serious about it, but I was the kid who got good grades and had a steady 3.2 GPA. I just never saw the point until I graduated high school and knew that I needed some type of degree so I wouldn't be stuck with a theme park job like everyone else I knew.

Of course here we are four years later with a theme park job and kicking myself for missing so many opportunities that were literally slapping me in the face. Now I'm pushing myself to go back to college after nearly two years without it. Sounds absolutely terrifying, but I know it's going to pay off in the long run.

I know I want to work in a museum or a library. Those are the two things that I'm most sure off. I know I want to study Humanities/History. I know I want to write a book. I don't need to share it with the rest of the world, but it's something I've been wanting to do since I was 11 years old and first figured out that I love writing stories.

Come January, I'm going to head straight towards the campus and start my classes and I'm going to work my butt off. I keep imagining this life for myself and I'm not doing anything about it.

Besides school, there's the way I'm viewing myself both physically and mentally. It isn't healthy at all. I've never been confident in myself at all, and there was a time a couple years ago where it got really bad. I managed to pull through with no ones help but my own. Nobody really understood at the time what I was going through. Everyone could see it, but it was easier for everyone to look away and I don't blame them. Lately, I'm starting to realize that the voices that were always getting my down back then are starting to get louder and louder. Back then I used to drown them out with music and a blade. I've realized that I can't do that again.

So it starts today, changing my thoughts. I realize that I'm probably going to crash and burn a few times and want nothing more than to give up. Hopefully I don't.