Slapping Myself Awake

Lately I've been freaking out internally and sometimes externally as well. I started this blog almost three months ago in order to gather my thoughts and to hopefully motivate myself to start writing again. So far, it's been a no go. I have been doing better then I was a year ago where I couldn't even get a basic idea about anything. Now I'm slowly, very slowly trudging forth in some unmarked path that I have no idea where it'll take me, but at least I'm not standing still anymore.

In two months I'm going to be 21. Less then two months really, about 52 days. My 17 year old self is screaming at me asking me why we haven't graduated college yet or why haven't we traveled or heck, why haven't we written one book? Even if it was a complete mess.

Yeah, my 17 year old self had a fondness for cuss words. Now I try to stray away from them, but I can't help but let it get to me. I did have all these plans especially about school. I was never serious about it, but I was the kid who got good grades and had a steady 3.2 GPA. I just never saw the point until I graduated high school and knew that I needed some type of degree so I wouldn't be stuck with a theme park job like everyone else I knew.

Of course here we are four years later with a theme park job and kicking myself for missing so many opportunities that were literally slapping me in the face. Now I'm pushing myself to go back to college after nearly two years without it. Sounds absolutely terrifying, but I know it's going to pay off in the long run.

I know I want to work in a museum or a library. Those are the two things that I'm most sure off. I know I want to study Humanities/History. I know I want to write a book. I don't need to share it with the rest of the world, but it's something I've been wanting to do since I was 11 years old and first figured out that I love writing stories.

Come January, I'm going to head straight towards the campus and start my classes and I'm going to work my butt off. I keep imagining this life for myself and I'm not doing anything about it.

Besides school, there's the way I'm viewing myself both physically and mentally. It isn't healthy at all. I've never been confident in myself at all, and there was a time a couple years ago where it got really bad. I managed to pull through with no ones help but my own. Nobody really understood at the time what I was going through. Everyone could see it, but it was easier for everyone to look away and I don't blame them. Lately, I'm starting to realize that the voices that were always getting my down back then are starting to get louder and louder. Back then I used to drown them out with music and a blade. I've realized that I can't do that again.

So it starts today, changing my thoughts. I realize that I'm probably going to crash and burn a few times and want nothing more than to give up. Hopefully I don't.

Hello August, why is it still so hot?

It's never cold in Florida, not really. We have Summer and then about one month of cooler temperatures at some point between November and February. I hope one of these days I can see all four seasons.

I've started saving up for a car and so far its going well. It's nice actually having money right now. I'm also planning on going back to school, though at the moment I'm not sure which one I want to go too. I've been studying at Valencia for a while before I decided to take a break since I had no clue what I even wanted to study. Now I do, but they don't have to program that I want, where as in Seminole, they do have a course for Humanities and still offer the direct connect to UCF. Only thing is the closest Seminole campus is still pretty far away from my house and I don't want to do online classes. Luckily I still have until December to decide what I want to do.

Work has been going pretty great, though not as well as we had hoped. They are cutting back on hours like crazy which I don't really mind, but at the same time it does suck. At least I'm still getting hours.

Another great thing that's happened is that I started Supernatural. My friend has been telling me about this show for years, and I have seen a couple episodes before and they had been good, I just never really knew much about what was happening. I finally started from season one and I can't believe I've waited this long to get into this show.

This is just to great and I'm slowly dying from all the emotions it makes me feel, plus my paranoia is completely shot and every little sound I hear is a ghost or a demon now. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I don't care.

With all the paranormal stuff going on in the show, made my realize just how much I love this genre and brought me back to when me and my friend visited BAM and I found myself in the New Age area. I've been telling myself I will write something about witches and magic and maybe even demons, vampires and every other things that goes bump in the night for the longest time now, but about five seconds after I make this decision, I go back and say I'm not ready or my idea doesn't have enough to actually start this. So for the past two weeks, I've been tentatively doing some research and reading more stuff in the genre as well as watching more shows about it.

I've got an idea, nothing big yet, but it's a reason to write this out. I have my main character and I have what sets the entire story into motion and keeps it moving. I haven't actually started writing anything down. It's all in my head at the moment slowly making itself more and more real.

Hopefully, if I keep going the way I am, I'll be able to actually start planning on actual paper soon.